


Unhand That Padre!

by grayspider1974



Category: Vikings - Fandom
Genre: children observe adults behaving inappropriately
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-12 00:46:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7077601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grayspider1974/pseuds/grayspider1974
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Children often observe adults behaving inappropriately.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unhand That Padre!

Unhand That Padre!  
Disclaimer: I do not own Vikings. Please do not sue or blood eagle me. I just do this for fun.  
Poor Aethelstan…he seems to feature in so many Viking fan fics in which Ragnar plants a tree in his ass that I feel compelled to defend his honour. While I support free speech, I would like to point out that as a Christian and as a Briton of Norse descent I find these stories culturally insensitive, and there is no basis for them either in the TV series or in the Norse sagas (in fact I highly recommend reading the sagas and the Germania of Tacitus to any fan of the show) In the show, Aethelstan politely tells Ragnar and his wife to fuck off, and they respond with somewhat more maturity than many modern secular “swinger” couples might. Later in the series, Aethelstan cheats on God with WOMEN, and begets Alfred (whom history records as a great hero, but who was probably just as awful as Long Shanks) and Ragnar cheats on his wife with WOMEN and begets Magnus with one and Ivar Boneless with another, both of whom went down in history as being real stinkers! As such, this series will probably end with either Alfred or Magnus or Ivar killing off Ragnar’s entire family….which is as good a reason as any that they should have both kept it in their pants! At any rate, this is what I think would actually happen if Ragnar did the deed with his pet priest…these are set in Season One  
Scene One:  
Enter Bjorn, who Finds Ragnar on the floor grappling passionately with his pet Catholic. Bjorn claps his hands over his ears and screams like Macauley Culkin.  
Enter Gyda, who asks “What’s Father doing to his priest? Is he hurting him?”  
Bjorn covers his sister’s eyes and walks out of the room, muttering “Don’t look, Gyda….don’t look…don’t look. They’re just wrestling…don’t look!”  
Scene Two:  
The Seer enters, and stands in the doorway, sniffing while Ragnar and Aethelstan grapple on the floor.  
The Seer says “I just came by to ask if you could spare a cup of oatmeal, but I can tell you’re busy.” He leaves hurriedly  
Scene Three:  
Enter Floki and Helga. Floki has a towel over his arm and Helga carries a bundle of birch twigs. They stand in the doorway silently, their eyes darting back and forth like a pair of Felix The Cat wall clocks for several seconds while Ragnar and Aethelstan grapple on the floor. Finally, Floki says “I am never going to feel comfortable having a sauna with you people EVER AGAIN!” He executes a complicated hand gesture, turns on his heel and flounces away.  
Helga gives Ragnar a Significant Look, then turns to her husband and yells “Fire up the bobsled, Floki! We’re leaving!”

Scene Four:  
Enter Rollo. He sees Ragnar on the floor with Aethelstan, only in this case Aethelstan is on top.  
Rollo sighs, and says “I warned you he was a tricky little bugger.” Then he yells out the door “LAGARTHA! Ragnar’s got some ‘splainin’ to do!  
Enter Lagartha. Her face is beet red, and her bosom is heaving. She grabs Ragnar and Aethelstan, and mashes their heads together. “What do you think you’re doing?” she screams. “Bjorn and Gyda saw you getting at it! For Frigg’s sake…they’re CHILDREN! You two are like ANIMALS! Dear Gods, my mother was right…I should never have married you! You’re a horny, perverted BEAST!  
Ragnar smiles his patented cute, wicked grin. “I thought that was why you married me!”  
Lagartha screams, knees Ragnar in the groin, and runs outside yelling “ROLLO! Is there a nice, deep peat bog somewhere around here?”  
Ragnar stares directly into the camera, and asks “Why does no one ever KNOCK before they enter?”


End file.
